OVERPROTECTED

Lucky or not? Regardless, I've grown up with FIVE uncles. Two brothers from my dad, three from my mom. Goes to say that I was a VERY protected little girl. As the first grandchild on my dad's side and the first girl on my mom's, it may have been the mission of each of those five men to protect me until the day they were on their death bed. Looking back I sincerely believe that is where my fiesty (and sometimes bitchy) tendencies come from. I mean, honestly... a little girl giving attitude to her five uncles who would regulate on ANYone else trying to do the same towards them? Clearly I knew my place and I worked it... well. Of course, there are two uncles whom I'm closest to and one I was able to wrap around my little finger as a girl. But regardless, I knew that no matter what I would always have five of them... protecting me every day of my life.

So, what's the point. Although I've never called in for back-up, I know that my uncles would come to my rescue in a heartbeat. I know this mainly because I frequently hear, "you doin alright, girl? cuz if someone f*cks up you know your uncle is gonna beat a brotha". (That would be my dad's brothers... my two hawaiian uncles). I would never call my family to run to my rescue. Despite the fact that I've always had eyes watching over me as a child, and adolescent, and young adult, I was determined to solve my own problems. I'm not sure if it's the toughness from these men that rubbed off on me growing up but I've always.. ALWAYS gotten over obstacles, on my own. I grew up a very protected and strong little girl. One of these days I'll have to thank my uncles for their protection and love... because it gave me the courage and the strength to grow into my own person and essentially, learn how to protect myself.

Grown up? Even now, as an "adult" I've found friends who are playing the same role in my life as my uncles do. I'm not sure if this is how EVERYONE's friends are, or if I just solicit that attitude from people. However, if I could say one thing to a stranger it would be "Look here, before we go any further I have to tell you that not only do I have five uncles, but many friends who WILL regulate on you if you necessary". I don't even have to ask. Everyone feels the need to protect me. And thinking about it that is enough to make me mad and frustrated. But I can't be. These are the people who don't want to see me hurt.. and when I am... are there to pick me up and get me through life. So you see.. the next thing I'd have to tell that stranger is.. "And I'm sorry if they hurt or offend you, but they love me, and I need that".

So in the end, it may cause an issue here or there... but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Life in 45..

I drove back to Long Beach from Irvine on Saturday. I'm so tired of the 405 freeway. After four years it's become forever engrained in my memory.. MacArthur, the 55 freeway- South merges left, North merges right, South Coast Plaza/Metro Pointe, Harbor and Ikea, Magnolia followed by Huntington Beach, the Westminister Mall, Valley View, the 22 freeway to Long Beach, the 605 North- because South ends at the 405/22W, Palo Verde, Bellflower, and FINALLY, my exit.. Lakewood North- towards the Long Beach airport. I'm tired of competing with the cars who will forever be programmed to go 80mph, 85 if they want to live life on the edge and risk a speeding ticket. True, there are days when I just want to get home. If I were a genie I'd just twitch my nose and be done with it. What I've realized is that being in the car is the time that you can really be alone with your thoughts, just sit, think and drive. What other time do people really get to sit alone and just be... without the distractions of family, friends, internet, media..Why are we always in such a rush to get through life? Do those who go through life at a constant 80 live more fulfilling lives than those who occasionally slow down and enjoy 45? Well, I decided that Saturday I was going to take PCH home to Long Beach. No, I didn't care that the maximum speeding limit is 50 and that it takes longer to get home. All I wanted was to see the Ocean, kick my life back to 50 and just be... just for that 45 minutes. Unfortunately... I have learned sometimes it doesn't matter if you want to take it slow and enjoy life because there will still be bastards riding your ass.. trying to go 80 in a 50 zone. And you realize.. even if you try to relax in this fast paced, ever evolving world, there will always be people trying to run you over just so they can get ahead.

Alone

more often than not, doesn't mean LONELY

When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun, then you grow up and learn to be cautious; you could break a bone, or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there is no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?

Days go by and each one feels the same- a whirlwind of unexplained emotions. I spend half my time in Irvine and half my time at "home", in Long Beach. I've moved back now but I have no place to really "live". That's it. I'm in Irvine and I'm everywhere, never in one place for too long, unless to sleep. I find myself exhausted every day and I wonder why. I've become this nomad with a Bachelor's degree in Criminology from the University of California, Irvine. That wasn't the plan. I didn't want to move back home. I don't want to feel like I really have no "place" in Irvine. I don't want to have just a "part time" job. I don't have a summer. You don't get those when you're not in school any more. So really, what am I supposed to do? Did my parents really spend 4 years of tuition and living expenses for me to end up this way? The one thing I do know is that.. i'm unhappy. I'm unhappy because I live each day, not really living at all. I go through the motions and I just need.. more. I need substance, but I don't know how to find that.

Well, it's been awhile since I've been on this and I don't remember what prompted me to come back. However, maybe this will just help a little... we all need someone or something to listen.

The past five weeks have brought a plethora of changes in my life. Change has never come easy... change that I do not produce myself, that is. Uncontrolled change leaves me flustered, exasperated, anxiety-filled, and emotional. I keep my (unhappy) emotions hidden and if I decide to expose them to others I usually play them off as if they are nothing. I'm afraid to give other's an outlet to my weaknesses, I hate feeling vulnerable. But I've realized that having my guard constantly up also keeps me from making changes that can ultimately make me happy... In a way I've ventured into the unchartered waters of changing things in my life.. Some have come against my will but for the most part I can be proud of myself and say that I've taken these changes with stride and my head held high.

Work....

I finally have a job that suits me. Working in the Law Firm is tedious but it has given me insight as to what I choose to spend the rest of my life committed to. Working everyday has also been a change, I've never had a job with consistent hours but nonetheless I savor every part of it. Looking at how daunting it is to go out into the job force after graduation, I am incredibly grateful for this opportunity.

Friends...

I cannot begin to think of any other time where I have felt as much love and support as I have this past month. My roommates, first of all, are amazing. The best part of it is that they are just themselves... they bring so much to my life just being them. With everything from encouraging me to eat healthy and exercise through their actions to a great work ethic to enjoying life.. they have brought a lot of peace and enjoyment to my life. I saw my big bro (yes YOU, i know you're gonna read this) and although I have hardly communicated and definitely haven't seen him this past month, he still managed to make me happy and I enjoyed his presence as I always have before. My littles are so funny... each different, making me laugh. If this is a morsel of what having children are like, I want TEN! And the Chris's.. I only met them 4 weeks ago but I absolutely adore them beyond reason. They are such funny, enjoyable and genuine guys. It's proof that there can be absolute strangers out there that can bring so much to your life, if only you let them. I've had to break away from a friend who's been such a HUGE and vital aspect of my life for the past 5 years. It has definitely been a struggle, but I know it's only for the best. No matter what, I'll always be there for him, as I will for anyone that's ever meant something to me.

The Past...

I went to the SPOP party this past weekend. I had invited Chris out just so that he can get a feel for more UCI people since he's from Illinois. And although I spent a large portion of the evening talking to him, the love of all of those people brought me back to last summer... to a time where you were able to realize that there actually IS good in the world. I can't imagine what my life would be like had I not met them and experience SPOP. I wasn't sad that I wasn't staffing this summer or envious of those who were. I was grateful for the experience and grateful to have amazing people touch my life.

The Present...

I've been getting myself to go out, do different things, stray from the comfort of sticking around the same people and doing the same things. I'm definitely not doing anything adventerous, but I'm trying to enjoy my time.. even if it is just having a D&B night. I've come across so many different people... at a party on friday... to seeing the SPOP peeps, to going to a movie randomly.. it's nice, definitely a breath of fresh air. AND.. I've also met a lot of random guys goin out... definitely chill and enjoyable to talk to at the time. But I find myself not interested even in the smallest with the dating scene. I guess I haven't stepped completely outside of my comfort zone.. but right now dating is not what I need in my life. But.. I have met someone who is interesting and different from what I've come across in the past.. I'll have to see what happens with this one but I'm definitely going to hope for the best.. It's okay to let yourself fall...as long as you have the right person there to catch you...

The Future...

I only have one more year left and I look back with my head spinning. WHERE has the time possibly gone? It leaves me wondering what good have I done in my time here? Not necessarily good in the sense of extracurricular activities beneficial for a resume. But what have I brought to my life to have grown from the person I was moving into the dorms and decorating her first place, away from her family? Not knowing where I'll be headed a year from now leaves me absolutely terrified. Will I be off to grad school as I hope? Will I end up taking a year off? Will I end up working until I figure something better out? I don't know. And not knowing is never a good feeling when it comes to the rest of your life....

So, me in a nutshell as I stand now.. I've grown so much.. I can only hope I can say the same thing in another month... or four weeks from now.

It's been SUCH a LONG time! How is everyone? I'm just finding absolutely  ANYTHING possible to distract myself from writing a paper. I guess I shouldn't feel so bad about it considering that it's due THURSDAY and it is TUESDAY right now. Normally, I'd be sitting here, frantically trying to finish it before my 11am class. I'd have to say though, I have been lucky with this class so far. I've seen my TA at Club Vegas off the 55 freeway AND Las Vegas at Club PURE. CRAZY! He gave me an extension on my Progress paper and gave me a B+ when I spent that morning typing it. I'm ridiculous sometimes... I can't even believe myself. So yes.. it's an 8-10 page paper and I'm basically getting all of my resources off of online articles, journals, etc. If I can get through my intro tonight and half of my body paragraphs I will be a happy girl. I need to do well on this paper and the Final in order to get an A in the class.. I think. I hope.. I dunno, I'll cross my fingers and PRAY!

Other than that, this week is going to be a little hectic. I figure if I can survive through Thursday I will be a happy camper. I've got a lot going on but I am trying my bestest to pace myself.. to take it one step at a time, breathe, and remember that after all this I will take a nice, long nap.. then go out and PARTY!!

I have my first day of work tomorrow!!! EEEK! I haven't worked since probably 3rd week of Winter quarter. In three years (counting from September of my 1st year) I've probably had an actual "job" for about 13 months. I worked from Sept-April my first year. Then three months my 2nd year and 3 months this year... including summers!! hahah. I'm such a lazy ass..

On a last note.. 2 1/2 years is a long time. It's especially long to have nothing significantly change. Yes, things have gotten better... but the relationship seems to always end up taking a nosedive for some reason or another. Who knew it would be so hard being friends with someone you were once so close to. Well.. it's summer and that should make things a little easier. Cuz right now.. it sure is exhausting...

Now off to another meeting then hopefully a NAP before handling this paper!